even if we can't find heaven

the sky is soft and
the sea crashes like i did when
my first car slipped on a patch of black ice and
sent me headfirst into a jeep cherokee three times my size

my hair is turning silver at the edges and the base and
two years ago when i ran my fingers through it
it came out in handfuls
but at least then it was still brown

what makes a week?

two bags of ramen
a single box of chinese takeout
and a black hole in your chest that takes and takes and takes until
it's swallowing even your hair

my demons ate my heart but at least they
had something to feed them
nourish them
until they could climb out of my throat and
into the world that had made even my hair want to escape

the sky is soft and
the sea crashes like i did when
my boyfriend caught me holding a knife and
standing in the rain on the rooftop of our apartment complex

and
oh god
i am hungry
so hungry
more hungry than
i can satisfy even by eating my demons

eat it? ate it.

"It doesn't matter that they won't remember me. What matters is I helped."

This is a quote from one of my favorite video games, even though I didn't know it was from a video game at first. This quote is what made me want to play. It's said by a 'spirit of compassion,' a being that exists only to help.

I'm not that selfless but I think it's a pretty valid sentiment. I'm not always a good person and it's a little intimidating to think that that's the kind of mantra to try to live by, to want to do good even when people won't recognize or remember it. Of course, the character that says it is more or less a ghost, so I don't think it's fully applicable to a totally mortal person.

Food for thought.

welcome back winter

cracked lips
ruddy cheeks
sunrises & moonlight

you only broke me because i let you and
i might even let you break me again because
before you were broken glass and a fist through my bedroom door
you were a snowflake in the palm of my hand

you had my heart before i ever even believed i had one